Dead Fictional Girlfriends Report, Part 1: James Bond and the Bond Girls
Two weeks ago, I auditioned for Jeopardy! I was pitted against 18 other hopeful contestants. We took a written quiz and played shortened rounds of the game, but our big chance to distinguish ourselves came during the personality interviews. The producers asked each of us 3 questions:
As the 9th person interviewed, I knew I needed to stand out. In answer to question 2, I said, “I read, I sing, and recently I’ve been researching which fictional character has the most dead girlfriends.”
That got a huge laugh, and several follow-up questions from the producers. Which characters are in the running? How’d you pick them? Who’s winning? The lead producer called me “unique,” which she hadn’t said to anyone else.
It was pretty much the second-greatest moment of my life.
Since then, I’ve had to explain the dead-girlfriends-project to a number of people who asked how my audition went. Word has spread around my office, up to the executive director, and relatives are suggesting new characters to investigate. With that in mind, I’ve decided to report my preliminary results to you, dear blog.
The Subjects
This all started back in 2012 with a friendly debate between my college roommates and me: which franchise kills off more women, Supernatural or James Bond? The debate ranged a bit and eventually we decided there were actually 4 main candidates for “Highest Mortality Rate among Girlfriends.”
1. Little Joe Cartwright from Bonanza (1959-1973):
Portrayed by the one and only Michael Landon, Joe was the youngest of 4 single, rich, attractive ranchers in 1800s Virginia City. Unfortunately for the women in his life, NBC had a vested interest in keeping him single so that they could continue to tell love stories. In those pre-marathons, pre-binge-watching, pre-mandatory-continuity days, tragic female deaths became a routine feature of Bonanza. Joe is the namesake of the Cartwright Curse.
2. Captain James T. Kirk from Star Trek (1966-1969, plus 7 movies spanning 1979-1994)
Also a network-TV character from the days before season-long arcs were standard, Captain Kirk suffered from the Cartwright Curse for two reasons. First, CBS had a vested interest in keeping him single so that they could continue to tell love stories. Second, Gene Roddenberry believed free love was the way of the future, and thus included lots of plots where characters quickly fell for people who then left the picture just as quickly (either because the episode ended, or their lives did.)
3. Sam Winchester from Supernatural (2005-present, even though it should’ve ended around 2010)
The younger Winchester brother lost both his mother and his live-in girlfriend to a demon in the pilot. His luck has not improved since. Unlike the other candidates, Sam is aware of, and tortured by, the fact that most of the women in his life die of unnatural causes. The fact that his show has very strict continuity means that he can’t love and lose a woman every week, though, so his overall numbers are pretty low.
4. James Bond from the Eon Productions movies (1962-?)
James Bond is a British spy/assassin, created by Ian Fleming and brought to life by 6 actors over the course of 24 movies in the past 55 years. James Bond is popularly known for three things: gadgets, ridiculous villains, and women.
James Bond is the first subject I can report on.
The Study:
I’ve been a casual James Bond fan for years, seeing the most recent movies in theaters and catching some of the older ones on DVD or weekend cable. Between March and June of this year, however, my boyfriend and I went on a mission to watch all 24 movies, and catalog the women who flirt, hook up, or fall in love with James Bond.
Our methodology involved the New York Public Library’s DVD request feature, and a Google Sheet.
The Results
I can confidently state that no one is ever going to surpass James Bond for sheer numbers.
Bond Girl Mortality
Total Bond love interests: 75
Total deaths: 23
Mortality rate: 30.67%
The causes of death are invariably violent, ranging from the mundane (shot by a bad guy who was aiming at James Bond) to the fairly absurd (getting coated in gold paint) to the horrifying (tortured and strangled with a hammock.) Not one deceased Bond girl has had a natural death, as you can see from the following chart:
Still, there are 52 surviving Bond women, meaning at least 2 per movie make it out alive.
In short: if you and James Bond are screwing, there's a 50.8% chance one of you is screwing the other over.
- Tell us about yourself.
- What do you do for fun?
- What would you do with the money if you won big on Jeopardy?
As the 9th person interviewed, I knew I needed to stand out. In answer to question 2, I said, “I read, I sing, and recently I’ve been researching which fictional character has the most dead girlfriends.”
That got a huge laugh, and several follow-up questions from the producers. Which characters are in the running? How’d you pick them? Who’s winning? The lead producer called me “unique,” which she hadn’t said to anyone else.
It was pretty much the second-greatest moment of my life.
Since then, I’ve had to explain the dead-girlfriends-project to a number of people who asked how my audition went. Word has spread around my office, up to the executive director, and relatives are suggesting new characters to investigate. With that in mind, I’ve decided to report my preliminary results to you, dear blog.
The Subjects
This all started back in 2012 with a friendly debate between my college roommates and me: which franchise kills off more women, Supernatural or James Bond? The debate ranged a bit and eventually we decided there were actually 4 main candidates for “Highest Mortality Rate among Girlfriends.”
1. Little Joe Cartwright from Bonanza (1959-1973):
Portrayed by the one and only Michael Landon, Joe was the youngest of 4 single, rich, attractive ranchers in 1800s Virginia City. Unfortunately for the women in his life, NBC had a vested interest in keeping him single so that they could continue to tell love stories. In those pre-marathons, pre-binge-watching, pre-mandatory-continuity days, tragic female deaths became a routine feature of Bonanza. Joe is the namesake of the Cartwright Curse.
2. Captain James T. Kirk from Star Trek (1966-1969, plus 7 movies spanning 1979-1994)
Also a network-TV character from the days before season-long arcs were standard, Captain Kirk suffered from the Cartwright Curse for two reasons. First, CBS had a vested interest in keeping him single so that they could continue to tell love stories. Second, Gene Roddenberry believed free love was the way of the future, and thus included lots of plots where characters quickly fell for people who then left the picture just as quickly (either because the episode ended, or their lives did.)
3. Sam Winchester from Supernatural (2005-present, even though it should’ve ended around 2010)
The younger Winchester brother lost both his mother and his live-in girlfriend to a demon in the pilot. His luck has not improved since. Unlike the other candidates, Sam is aware of, and tortured by, the fact that most of the women in his life die of unnatural causes. The fact that his show has very strict continuity means that he can’t love and lose a woman every week, though, so his overall numbers are pretty low.
4. James Bond from the Eon Productions movies (1962-?)
James Bond is a British spy/assassin, created by Ian Fleming and brought to life by 6 actors over the course of 24 movies in the past 55 years. James Bond is popularly known for three things: gadgets, ridiculous villains, and women.
James Bond is the first subject I can report on.
The Study:
I’ve been a casual James Bond fan for years, seeing the most recent movies in theaters and catching some of the older ones on DVD or weekend cable. Between March and June of this year, however, my boyfriend and I went on a mission to watch all 24 movies, and catalog the women who flirt, hook up, or fall in love with James Bond.
Our methodology involved the New York Public Library’s DVD request feature, and a Google Sheet.
The Results
I can confidently state that no one is ever going to surpass James Bond for sheer numbers.
Bond Girl Mortality
Total Bond love interests: 75
Total deaths: 23
Mortality rate: 30.67%
The causes of death are invariably violent, ranging from the mundane (shot by a bad guy who was aiming at James Bond) to the fairly absurd (getting coated in gold paint) to the horrifying (tortured and strangled with a hammock.) Not one deceased Bond girl has had a natural death, as you can see from the following chart:
 |
Pregnant Mortality Rate
In fiction, killing off a love interest is a cheap way to raise the stakes in a given conflict. Killing off a pregnant love interest is one way to portray the death as more tragic and the villain as more heartless (even if the pregnancy is not yet visible.) Therefore, I have looked into the pregnancy/mortality correlation for the franchises listed. In the James Bond universe, that was pretty easy.
Total # of Pregnant Bond Girls: 0.
Yes. In 55 years, and at least 54 confirmed sexual encounters, James Bond has never once conceived a child. (The novel version of You Only Live Twice implies otherwise, but Ian Fleming died before following up on that dangling plot thread.)
I have a few fan theories on why that could be.
- Too many sex partners die off before conception is possible. This is supported by the fact that 17 of Bond's 54 sex partners don't survive the movie in which they appear.
- Bond is sterile. This is supported by his exposure to radiation in both Dr. No (1962) and The World Is Not Enough (1999).
- The world is suffering an infertility plague. This is supported by the fact that there has been exactly 1 child with a speaking role in a Bond film: a Thai souvenir peddler whom 007 shoved into the Chao Phraya River in 1975.
- Q Branch has perfected condoms, and invented a gadget that ensures 007 always has one handy. This is unsupported.
 |
| Ursula Andress & Sean Connery vs. the Hayes Office |
 |
| Pierce Brosnan vs. Robert Carlyle vs. CRAP THAT'S A NUCLEAR REACTOR BEHIND US |
 |
| No, I don't want to buy an elephant! |
Attempts on James Bond's Life
In studying the mortality rates of fictional women, you start to realize that a LOT of fictional women have nefarious intentions towards the protagonist. In James Bond's case, 17 of them have made attempts on his life.
Percentage of Bond girls who tried to kill James Bond: 22.67%
I give points to Xenia Onnatopp (Goldeneye, 1995) for the best attempt: trying to crack Pierce Brosnan's ribs, with her thighs, in a sauna, while they're both half-naked and he's soaking wet.
Oh, sorry, I said "best" when I meant "hottest."
The worst attempt on 007's life came from an unnamed snuggle partner in Austria (The Spy Who Loved Me, 1977): She radioed a Soviet ski infantry unit to let them know when he was leaving her place. This kicked off a daring ski chase/fight scene that culminated in 007 skiing off an Alpine cliff.
C'mon, Unnamed Austrian Lady, you should've known 007 is immune to death by action prologue.
Percentage of Bond girls who tried to kill James Bond: 22.67%
I give points to Xenia Onnatopp (Goldeneye, 1995) for the best attempt: trying to crack Pierce Brosnan's ribs, with her thighs, in a sauna, while they're both half-naked and he's soaking wet.
The worst attempt on 007's life came from an unnamed snuggle partner in Austria (The Spy Who Loved Me, 1977): She radioed a Soviet ski infantry unit to let them know when he was leaving her place. This kicked off a daring ski chase/fight scene that culminated in 007 skiing off an Alpine cliff.
C'mon, Unnamed Austrian Lady, you should've known 007 is immune to death by action prologue.
Reasons for Sex, in the James Bond Universe
Just for fun, I placed James Bond's sexual encounters in 5 categories:
Just for fun, I placed James Bond's sexual encounters in 5 categories:
- 16.7% Entrapment (his partner is trying to get something from him through seduction)
- 34.1% Strategy (he's trying to get something from his partner)
- 17.4% Romantic interest
- 18.8% Stress reaction (a foxhole moment)
- 13% General lust
In short: if you and James Bond are screwing, there's a 50.8% chance one of you is screwing the other over.
Conclusion
The Bond girl mortality rate, 30.67%, could easily be surpassed. But no group of ladies is likely to beat the Bond girls for number, variety, murderousness, or absurd thought processes (let alone the ridiculous names category, which Pussy Galore wins by default.)
How can James Bond possibly beat Joe Cartwright, who was in almost 500 episodes of a 14-season TV show? The primary reason, I think, is that Bond is defined by the Bond girls. Sometimes Captain Kirk is fighting space Nazis with only his dear friend Mr. Spock for help. Joe Cartwright can spend a whole episode rescuing a newborn American Indian. Sam Winchester is often on the run with only his brother and their trusty Impala for company. But Bond is never, ever without a woman. The sexual revolution comes and goes, second-wave feminism crests, HIV/AIDS ravages the world, the Cold War ends, the movie studio goes bankrupt, and at the end of it all, the Bond franchise will still cast at least 3 women per movie. It just wouldn't be right otherwise.
"Wait a minute, Claire," you're probably thinking, "The Bond girls are sexist punchlines. He's Bond, James Bond, womanizer extraordinaire. The women don't define James Bond, he defines them!" OK, I hear you. But I invite you to watch Bond's character-establishing moment from Dr. No:
Could he really be Bond, James Bond, without Trench, Sylvia Trench?
How can James Bond possibly beat Joe Cartwright, who was in almost 500 episodes of a 14-season TV show? The primary reason, I think, is that Bond is defined by the Bond girls. Sometimes Captain Kirk is fighting space Nazis with only his dear friend Mr. Spock for help. Joe Cartwright can spend a whole episode rescuing a newborn American Indian. Sam Winchester is often on the run with only his brother and their trusty Impala for company. But Bond is never, ever without a woman. The sexual revolution comes and goes, second-wave feminism crests, HIV/AIDS ravages the world, the Cold War ends, the movie studio goes bankrupt, and at the end of it all, the Bond franchise will still cast at least 3 women per movie. It just wouldn't be right otherwise.
"Wait a minute, Claire," you're probably thinking, "The Bond girls are sexist punchlines. He's Bond, James Bond, womanizer extraordinaire. The women don't define James Bond, he defines them!" OK, I hear you. But I invite you to watch Bond's character-establishing moment from Dr. No:
Could he really be Bond, James Bond, without Trench, Sylvia Trench?
Comments
Post a Comment